The new year thus far…
It is hard for me to write how I feel about this new year. We are only 16 days in and so many things have happened already….a sure sign that this year, if anything, will be a momentous one.
In my youth, I was spontaneous and pushed away whatever responsibility was issued to me. I was not in control of my own life. I am still not, but I want that to change.
I would love to lose weight but my real concern is being healthy. I am eating mostly organic foods. I’ve joined the Y…spending my own money for bills. And as of a week ago, I am no longer allowing myself to be bulimic. Although I’ve never reached an unhealthy weight or have been hospitalized, I have purged my body of food every day for the last 4 years. There is already long term damage, of this I am sure, but at this point I know if I don’t make a change I will suffer in the future.
To help with this I am seeing a new therapist starting next week. After I was raped 6 years ago, I started talking to somebody but could never really talk to her. I always felt like she would judge me….which I learned is normal for patients to feel. I never told her of my bulimia or that I started having sex or really anything that was wrong with me because I wanted her to think that I was ok….which is a load of crap. A new therapist is a chance to start over and really help myself get better. I don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed anymore. Even if I am situationally happy, I am never happy with myself or in any long term sense.
On a more positive note, I have been accepted to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago and will be transferring there in the fall. I am completely overwhelmed by how many things I still have to do as far as take out loans and apply for scholarships and go on tours and find an apartment etc etc….but I got accepted and as of now that’s what really matters.
As far as relationships go….I am not going to let things happen to please others. I am going to say no when need be. I am not going to be overwhelmed by somebodies feelings if they are not my own. Because of this, I broke up with Eric. The reason I fell for him in the first place what because my emotions are easily manipulated. He manipulated me. My mother manipulated me. I allowed them to change my emotions and after a 2 week honeymoon period of being happy…I realized how badly I fucked up and regretted leaving Ryan. Ryan and I have continued being friends, although limited because of Erics antics. After hanging out a few times, Ryan and I have let everything out in the open. How we both care for each other but because of circumstances can not be in a relationship. So we will wait…not necessarily for a certain time…but we are just letting things be and if they happen in the future then they happen. We said hello and goodbye in one night…to be continued.
I think that pretty much sums up what needs to said.
Sincerely, Emily.
button
