lately…
all i’ve had is writing to console in. i don’t understand much else. i can’t fall asleep before 7 in the morning unless i take nyquil. even if there’s nothing to do i sit there. i’m not tired but i guess i could be. i don’t want to sleep. i don’t want to sit. i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to exist. i say this not meaning that i hate myself or i want to kill myself simply that i so greatly want to do nothing that i want to be nothing. maybe i’m smoking too much. maybe it was those pills. everything has been weird since that night. i can sleep with ryan that’s about it.
i might depend on him or maybe just my feelings about him. he has this insatiable way of making everything better. making me love myself and everything else. i feel so much for him but at the same time i feel like it’s not enough to be with him yet. i don’t feel mentally connected to him more some reason and i don’t know why. we had that connection before and it’s missing now. i think we’re both holding back because this is such a funny situation. who knows….i do not.
i’m nervous to start talking to a new therapist. i want to be able to tell her everything but i’m afraid of the consequences. will i be hospitalized for admitting to my bulimia? my thoughts of not existing? my fear of seeing things from my own point of view? feeling like i am going to explode out of my skin and lose control? also something i don’t know. but i guess i’ll see how it goes.
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