two weeks ago i started seeing a psychiatrist. i lied to her. i told her i only smoke weed and drink and left out the parts about the acid and shrooms and molly and sass and that one time i tried ecstasy.
but i told her that i was depressed. and that i feel nothing. and that i was raped. and that i push people away after i have sex with them. she didn’t listen. she told me that its hard for women to orgasm during sex and went off on a tangent about clitoral stimulation but said nothing about why i find any reason that doesn’t exist to push somebody away after i have sex with them. why i can be the happiest person until i fuck somebody and then i am numb to their existence. but i guess that doesn’t matter as long as i know about clitoral stimulation right? wrong.
i’m not giving up. i’ll keep going back and keep talking and make her listen to what i have to say and hopefully she will help. i’ve also started taking prozac. so far no suicidal thoughts just a lot of feeling like im starving which is apparently normal so i get to take more pills to decrease my appetite. WOO FUCKING HOO.
other than that….still procrastinating. portfolios for scholarships are due a week from today and i just started photographing my paintings. i still have more to paint. i still have more hw. but, since i can’t drink anymore and prozac makes me not want to have sex, i have little else to do than the shit i need to.
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